PIXELFOREST EMPLOYMENT CLASSIFIEDS
Updated Occasionally

INTERNET NEWSLETTER, Los Angeles
Join our creative team (that leaves you well-enough alone) and get your own office with second story window overlooking beach with flexible hours and 75K to put our 2 page monthly newsletter on "the net" (every other month). Benefits include free catering, expense account, car. Free movie tickets and 2 weeks in corporate condo timeshare (ski-in/ski-out Aspen or Jackson Hole). Only the long-haired and bearded need apply. Apply Online!

OUTDOOR ADVENTURER, Angeles National Forest
Explore the great outdoors and email your findings back to the office. We spend a lot of time in our cubicles and don't have time to explore nature. Your drive our SUVs to mountains and explore nature for us. Make your descriptions brief and colorful. We think we like birds. Expense account for travel and trail mix. Discount on outdoor gear. May require some foreign travel in Nepalese and Peruvian highlands. Only the long-haired and bearded need apply. Apply Online!

FOOSBALL PRO
Do you like to fooz? Do you have moderate reflexes and substandard social skills? Have you always wanted to "compete in the pros" but weren't big enough for sumo or small enough for ping pong? Then maybe you should consider 40K and benefits and CELEBRITY STATUS, BABY while you take a shot at the big time by spinning rods in live web table soccer tournaments. Note: long-haired, bearded types make the best goalies. Apply Online!

LINGERIE APPROVAL TECHNICIAN, Van Nuys
Erotic clothing firm is seeking an "ordinary dude" to give the final nod of approval to new products. You sit in a chair while our centerfold models dance around you in the latest bedroom fashions. You give final "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" to the outfits you like best. Free rub down at end of day. Firm at 75K. Only the long-haired and bearded need apply. Apply Online!

PIZZA CRITIC, Playa del Rey
Do you like pizza? Then we like you. We need you to eat pizza and tell us what brands and flavors you like best. 45K starting with opportunity for advancement into non-pizza foods. Full benefits package includes fitness club membership. Only the long-haired and bearded need apply. Apply Online!

LAX MANAGER, Los Angeles
We are looking for someone lazy and passive to fill a mid-level management position at a leading design firm. Your position is purely ceremonial. Workers despise you and executives ignore you, but you don't care because you have 95K and 500 shares. Just make appearances at weekly meetings. You decide what to do with the rest of your time. Good recommendations. Salary commensurate with experience. Only the long-haired and bearded need apply. Apply Online!

PETTY THIEF, Santa Monica
Work for the police department as a "mystery thief". That's right, steal with "diplomatic immunity" as part of a city survey on vendor security and get paid 60K/year + commission + keep what you steal. No experience necessary. Cops will train you. Learn "bump and run" and "up the skirt" from the best in the biz. No long-haired and/or bearded freaky types please. Apply Online!

CALIFORNIA CULT LEADER, Malibu
Are you internet savvy and self-neutered? Are you referred to by name in one or more major religious texts? Do you express your views on alien abduction to wide critical acclaim on the public bus? Then you might have what it takes to run your own cult. We start you with 100K, a hideout in Death Valley, and a cache of automatic weapons. You work your "magic" to shave heads and to liquidate the assets of "your flock." Long hair and beard suggested to start, but be prepared to shave head and tatoo forehead. Apply Online!

MOVIE BUFFER, Westwood
After a hard week of writing code, our tired programmers do not want to see boring movies. So you check them out for us. Tell us what is good. We like violence and big breasts. 55K puts you in theater with full bucket of popcorn. Jane Austin movies suck. Full benefits package includes vision care and early retirement plan. Only the long-haired and bearded need apply. Apply Online!

MERCENARY, Venice Beach
Not really. Just dress in camoflague and hang out at the beach (we sell military supplies). Smoke pot and skateboard. $50/hour, plus 401K and complimentary cable modem. Free Hare Krishna lunch. Only the long-haired and bearded need apply. Apply Online!

DOCK BLOKE, Manhattan Beach
Ever wonder who those long-haired bearded guys are on the dock? Now you join them. Knowledge of fishing and tides not necessary, but helpful. Just make sure tourists see you eat our fried fish. 60K to start + 10K/inch of beard. Gray beard ñnetsî you additional 10K and special seat on party boat. Apply Online!

POOL TESTER, Beverly Hills
Lonely, rich women want you to swim in their pools. Some nudity required. Did we say rich? $500/hour for 1 hour swim. These women like long-haired, bearded types. Knowledge of backstroke required. Apply Online!